As I shared in this week’s Monday Mantra, one of the lessons I’m committing to this year is telling my truth. To myself, to those around me—and to you.
Though I’ve always been open on this blog, this year my intention is to be as authentically me as I can be and that means sharing all—despite being afraid of what you might think about me when I share. I’ve found, the more we let out of the dark of our minds and into the light of real life, the less we’re controlled by the fear of that darkness and the more ourselves we can be.
And so here it goes, my first big truth of the year.
This March (or April!), my husband and I will be welcoming a little baby girl into our lives!
I’m 7 months pregnant and in full-on nesting mode. We couldn’t be more excited about this new addition to our family, (I’m smiling ear to ear just writing this). Since we found out in July, I couldn’t help but tell every person I ran into on the street, but I didn’t take this announcement to the web until now for a number of reasons.
Some of those reasons I still can’t put my finger on, but others I can. It’s been nice to share the pregnancy the old fashioned way, phone calls to friends and slowly revealing the news overtime as we see people so that we get to experience people’s joy over and over again.
And because, this last year was hard. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage this past Mother’s Day, (yes, exactly why I have been off of social media since then.) About a month later, we were pregnant again. The journey to pregnancy—although easier for me than some—came with sadness and struggle as well. As happy as I was to finally be pregnant, I was scared, too, and I didn’t quite know how to express it. I needed the space and the time to process it all.
But now, at the start of 2019, I’m ready to share this pregnancy and all that’s come with it with you—my gmg family—because this community means the world to me, your readership means the world to me, and because this blog is made for sharing life and reflections and pushing ourselves to do things that feel a little bit uncomfortable in the name of growth, learning, expansion, and trust that the universe will hold us.
I can’t wait to share more with you about this pregnancy as the months follow.
If the journey to pregnancy interests you, I’m sharing my experience below. If not, have the happiest and healthiest weekend and I’ll see you back here on Monday!
My Journey to Pregnancy
Sharing my pregnancy story is not something I thought I’d do. I saw people sharing their stories all the time and I wasn’t sure that I’d have anything new to bring to the conversation. My story isn’t particularly unique or exceptionally traumatic, but it is my story just the same. And so I share it, in case it’s of interest, in case you can learn something from it, and more honestly—because it’s healing for me to share it.
To share it I thought I’d take you on a journey through my personal journal.
Here’s a journal post from May, 2018.
I’m looking back through my journal and just found this note from February 22:
“Help me, please. Wake me up. Help me grow. Please help me snap out of the routine, out of making the same mistakes. I beg of you, please help me grow.”
That was my cry to my angels. I was desperate to get pregnant—though my husband and I had only started to “try” I had spent the last two years before that convincing him that it was “the right time.”
February 22 continues, “I beg of you please help me grow.”
I had become sick of the repetition that was my life. I felt stuck in the same loop with the same wants and needs that didn’t feel met. I knew I needed to expand my way of thinking, I knew I needed to learn more, get into new habits, work with the universe again.
“Please help me grow.” I re-read of the desperate girl who so badly just wanted to be a mother. This time it’s May, and for a glimmer of a few weeks I had experienced the start of what it’s like to be a mother. I had gotten pregnant, and then I had lost it… well I’m in the process of losing it.
And what has happened since then? Well, I’ve created space. I can feel myself growing. Some of that repetition has washed away to make way for my grief. A new kind of desperation has come over me now—this one, though, feels better. I’m carving out time for meditation, for my marriage, for myself.
I remind myself: You’re met with what you need. I needed this to turn back, to pay attention to what I already have.
Nourish what you already have.
And now here’s the next post from June 17, 2018:
After reading the post above, I’ve fully lost the baby. It’s 100% out of my body. But the pain is still there. The struggle is still there. What do I know right now? I know what I wrote above was true. I don’t want to get into the same loop. I don’t want to control pregnancy. I want to make love to my husband naturally, and I want something beautiful and healthy and happy to come out of that – naturally, on its own terms, when it’s ready to.
And finally, here’s me today.
What’s so wild about my conversations with myself above is that in moments of some of my deepest sadness, I was the most clear. I may not have realized it at the time, but I was telling myself exactly what to do and I could hear it clearly without second-guessing myself or doubting. I think we all have that in ourselves. Sometimes we have to be pushed to find it, but it’s there. You have it in you. Pregnancy or otherwise, here’s my call to you—listen to yourself—you know what you need, you know what you have to do.
I love you. Self, I love you.
Thank you for listening. Like I said, I shared to be helpful—but more importantly—I shared for me. From the darkness, I step into the light. And this light, is the brightest, happiest, most beautiful I’ve seen yet.